Staying in hall is indeed a place of self-discovering experiences and has made me a more mature and responsible person. It is a place where one learns much about himself, one chooses or decides actions that he should take.
I would like to narrate an unpleasant incident I had with a friend in hall that left a deep impression on me. Last year, I headed the External Relations Committee (ERC) in Eusoff Hall. As I was afraid there would be a lack of applicants, I asked some friends living on the same level as me to join this committee, and I promised them verbally that they would likely be accepted into the committee.
Due to the overwhelming response in applicants, the 2 other vice-heads and I had to choose 15 members out of the 50 applicants. The heads voted in private, in a manner similar to American Idol. As long as 2 heads vote 'no', the member is out. After the first round of screening, we had 25 members on our list. Therefore, I decided to talk to the JCRC president to increase the enrolment, of which he agreed to increase to 20. The other heads and I would now have to take away 5 members from the 25. Out of the 25, the other heads decided to vote one of my friends out of the list, even after much persuasion from me not to do so. When the selection results were released, my above mentioned friend was very 'pissed off' and refused to talk to me- and I did not realise it until Derek actually informed me about how my friend felt then. Eventually, after apologizing and explaining the underlying reason for not including him in ERC, we finally reconciled.
Through the ES2007S seminar, I learnt that we can use the six second's strategies to improve our EQ. In retrospect, although I scored 80% for the EQ test, I reckon that this result is inaccurate as I lack the fundamental skills to make up for good EQ. I lack honesty and accountability skills. Perhaps it was my bad that I did not talk to my friend about the selection results before releasing them. And I should know my own power and capability and not agree to something I cannot fulfil. He probably felt left out as he might have wondered why was he the only one that had not been selected.
Although it was bad on my part that I could not deliver my promise, do you think that my friend's inability to accept the situation displays a lack of EQ on his part, or does the lack of EQ come from myself?
Friday, August 29, 2008
An Interpersonal Conflict Situation
Posted by Darren at 11:21 PM
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5 comments:
Dear Darren
I understand that this was quite an unexpected situation. As the head, you worried that there will be a lack of applicants so you asked your friends to join. But, as what you said, you should not promise them that they will surely be accepted in the committee.
You mentioned that you think it would be better if you let your friend know the selection result before you released it. For this point, I do not really agree. Selection result should be confidential, thus your friend, as like any other applicants, should only know upon you released the result publicly. What I think is appropriate is after you have released the result, you should explain and talk to your friend about the unexpected situation immediately. Let your friend understand your concern and apologize for promising something that you can’t fulfill.
However, do not let this incident bothers you. From this incident, I believe you have learnt something. I also learnt from my mistakes. It is always from experience that we learn to be a better person. : )
Sometimes being in a leadership position you do face such problems and you will like you are caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. In such situations i guess the only way you can make a right out of a wrong (although it's not your fault) is to go up to this friend and talk to him about it shortly after the incident. Explain to him all you did and told him you tried your best.
If he truly is a good friend, he would be able to look past this and not blame you for it. However if you didn't talk to him and explain the situation, he would only be left with the impression that you were only giving him empty promises. Well if time has passed and you still want to let this off your chest, find a good day, buy him a drink, and talk to him about it, if you really think it's worth it.
Hope this helps=)
Hi Darren,
I agree with you, that your friend had probably felt disappointed for not being selected for the committee. I reckon all these boils down to his expectation of himself, and of you. Judging from his reactions, it is most likely that he had expected to be selected for the committee. This can very well explains for his emotions and actions after the results were released.
Personally, I felt that you should have taken the initiative to approach and explain to your friend, the reasons why he was not selected as soon as the results were released. Considering the fact that he actually applied for the committee just to support you as a friend, I believe that it would be only fair to him if you would do that.
I am glad that you guys have reconciled since then. (: Thank you for sharing this personal experience with us.
Hi Darren
First and foremost, you could have told your friend that if he promised to join this committee, you will 'try your very best' to rope him in.
It could be the promise that you made to your friend that resulted in a 'sure-in' mentality in him.
Nobody likes be to be rejected, so I guess your friend naturally felt disappointed when he did not make the final cut for the committee.
Having said that, I believe what you friend could have done was to affirm the selection criteria with you before declaring an unnecessary cold war.
However, as reconciliation was ultimately reached, I believe the take home lesson here would be to avoid giving your word to the outcome of any events in the future.
Life is full of uncertainties.
Guang Yi
Dear Darren,
I feel that in your eagerness to help your friend into the committee you overlooked the chances of an "overwhelming response" in that year. I also noticed that you used the word "likely" when you mentioned that "they would likely be accepted into the committee."
While you were disappointed with your friend for failing to empathize with your predicament, your friend was similarly upset with what he perceived as a "failed promise" by you.
I think that you were too harsh when you commented that you have poor EQ levels. I feel that your determination to talk to your friend after you found out about his unhappiness and the eventual reconciliation probably sums up the good conflict solving methods that both of you possess. Due to the lack of description of how the remediation worked out, I cannot possibly rate the solutions that you came up with during the resolution of the conflict.
Cheer up, I think your EQ score is still 80%.
You were just too eager to help a friend, i guess.
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